Greatest Hits Volume I

As promised - here is one the the greatest hits of all time
Chart Topper......
Stuff legends are made of.....
Oldie but goodie............

First, you must turn the hands of time back 13 years ago.  I had just given birth to Kendall and as any new mother knows - I was on a very strict feeding schedule.  My phone rings (not my cell phone!) My precious Judy Baby called me up and says, "Jif - can you get me a ticket to Memphis, there is a card game I need to get to?"  Of course, there was nothing in the world I wouldn't do for my Judy Baby.  I glanced at the clock and thought to my self....self.... I have 1 hour and 30 minutes.  Surely, I can get to the office, get a ticket and get back...no problem.. Right???


WRONG!!


All was going fine until I got to the office...As best as I tried to sneak in, I was unsuccessful!  People can smell the scent of new baby and there I was stuck..ok loving every second of hearing how beautiful she was, how she was perfect and all that jazz.  We had to play a quick game of pass the baby until I glanced at my watch and realized, pass the baby was officially over. 

We were back in the car heading home driving in the middle lane of 183 (I didn't feel right driving in the fast lane with a new born and I didn't quite feel like I should be in the slow lane, cuz that just aint right, so I picked the middle lane - cuz it wass jussssst right!)  All of the sudden - the car in front of me swerved and I was left with no choice but to hit the object staring at me.... a metal ladder..... Crunch... Crash... Boom... bang....blop..blop...blop... sssssssssss... if you can't tell from my sound effects - both front tires - blown..... I was stuck.... stranded .... and I could feel that my boob clock was ticking and that the alarm was about to go off.... (mothers, you know what I mean).

I got my handy dandy cell phone to call Jack to come and save me!  After all, he IS my knight in shining armour.  Jack answered the phone and told me that he could not come and save this damsel in distress.  I was like what the heck??!!??  What am I supposed to do?  He said, "call Mr. Rescue.. they can help"  Exasperated, I said , fine..... I bitterly called Mr. Rescure and told them that apparantley, unbeknownst to me, knights in shining armours have meetings in Dallas. 

About 15 minutes later, Elmer Fudd, errr... I mean Mr. Rescue shows up.  He looked nothing like the knight in shining armour I was expecting.  He was wearing filthy overalls, with one side unhooked.  He was missing not only his hair but several teeth.  Lets just say, I was not impressed.  He proceeds to look at my car, scratch his head (thank god it was his head and not his butt) and tells me that in his professional opinion, "it looks to me m'am like you've got two flat tires".  To which I replied, "no shit dick tracy!  I must have dialed 1-800-send-me-a-genius!".  He seemed to laugh me off.  I on the other hand was not laughing because now my boobs have reached the point of explosion and my daughter now is starting to cry.  We are moments away from hysteria people....

We walk to my car and he says, "where is your Jack?".  I said, "he is in a meeting in Dallas."  He tilts his head and says, "Your Jack is in Dallas??".  In my best -you are a dumbass voice-, I said, "yes.. that why I called you".  I was becoming more irritated because why on earth would I call him if my Jack was here!  He finally looked at me and said, "m'am, your tire jack (insert jacking up a car hand motions)."  Finally it clicked... he wasn't talking about MY JACK, he was talking about my car jack.  Gulp.... now picture me and my gi-normous boobs trying to hide under a rock on 183. 

At this point I just burst into tears - I called my Judy Baby and told him I was stuck.  He was there in literally a nano-second.  He walked over to Elmer Fudd and gave him a $100 bill for his trouble.  I think he was paying the guy off since I had officially lost it at that point.  Judy Baby giggled (like he always did) and took me to get tires. 

Now... I told you some stories are the stuff legends are made of....... and this one becomes one..... its important that you fast forward your clock to about 3 weeks after the "jack incident"...... I'm at a restaruant, when all of a sudden a drink appears in front of me... The waiter says its from the bartender... I walk over to find out why anyone would send little ole me a drink.....about that time, the whole bar area burts out into laughter...... They all asked me if my Jack was there....(insert men slapping their knees, pointing, snorting, laughing and howling).....  there nestled amongst the fellas, and laughing the loudest was Elmer-friggin-Fudd....
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Guess Judy Baby needed to give him more than $100.....

Just to be clear..... here are your cast of characters... The one in red is Jack.. in case you don't recognize him..